I think it’s fun to lie outrageously on the internet. It’s not often that I post comments on blogs or websites, but when I do, I like to write heinously inaccurate and over-the-top declarations with the kind of resolute bravado that one only reserves for internet conversations. 

Take this post about the SATs and measuring academic merit. The comments offer a barrage of “well I scored x,y and z on the SATs, ACTs, MCATs, etc., etc.” 

Here’s what I posted: 

“Well I graduated from high school with a 4.0 GPA, was first in my class and valedictorian. I went on to study at a top 5 university, graduated in four years with honors, again with a 4.0 GPA, top of my class, with dual degrees in biophysics and engineering. And what did I get on my SATs? 950. Those tests don’t measure anything.”

Sometimes I pretend that I’m a celebrity. I never reveal my name, the projects I’ve worked on, or how I know Mr. or Ms. Fellow Celebrity, but I offer “insider” information to whether or not a person is actually quite normal and lovely, or a self-absorbed, wrinkly-when-you’re-close-up, asshole.

“Actually, I know So-and-So personally and she’s totally chill. Just yesterday we sat around watching Real Housewives while picking at our hangnails and eating all the M&Ms out of a bag of Trail Mix.” 

Or there’s those times when I provide entirely fictitious facts: 

“You can definitely interbreed fish and mammals–the lab I work for has, in several trials already, successfully bred rats with flounder. We’re just trying to work out a few kinks–namely, insufficient lung capacity.” 

Actually I’m lying. All of my internet comments are along the lines of “I wish I had the legs to pull off that skirt,” or “I saw this movie. It was pretty good.” 

I am incredibly dull.


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